It just keeps getting better….
Wow my life is moving so fast. January 25, 2010…. I will never forget this date. This is the date that I met the man of my dreams. This is the day that was going to change the rest of my life. He said he knew the first time we talked for 7 hours online that I was the girl for him. Wow that was a great first impression… I kept it real. I was honest. A lot of me came out in that conversation. The next day we saw eachother for the first time. That is where the Sunfried Jello comes in… LOL We met up at Lestats. I was very impressed with what I saw. I was totally into him. I spent about 3 or 4 hours with him talking about random stuff. I couldn’t even remember some of the things we talked about because I was so wrapped up in the moment and mesmorized with him that I couldn’t even think straight. I wasn’t finished toking to him that night so when I got home we chatted for a couple more hours. The followong night was aother 7 hour chat session online. Then the following night he came to my home. He spent the night. Not usually my style it just felt right. The following night he was packing a bag and moving in. Can you believe that? We knew we were meant to be. He couldn’t stand to be without me another moment. Wow now that is impressive. He came in to a situation of a single mother with 3 kids lonely and heartbroken. He was supposed to move to Pala. That didn’t happen. LOL Instead he moved to the South Bay…. So he moved in and stirred my world around. This is the fastest a relationship has ever gone for me. At this point which is only about 8 weeks later we are practically married. LOL Everything is great. He has really taken a part in our children’s lives. He picks them p and drops them off at school everyday, he helps them with homework, he is empowering me to break off ties with people who have and are continueing to hurt me, he totally rearranged my house it’s all good. We have so many dreams and plans together. We are like really meant to be. We never go to bed upset we work out every little problem right away, we miss eachother so much when we are apart. We have the type of relationship that people dream of in fairytales. My fairytale has finally come true and what a great tale it is. I love my life and I love him!! The story does get better so please keep reading….
The Co-Breeder!!!!
Yes the one who sent the seamon into my mother that created me….. Well I really didn’t want to put all of my family on blast but I figure what the hell. I gotta get this stuff out and let it go for good and what better way to do it than on here. So you may be seeing some blogs that aren’t that positive. Just think that the sooner I get this out the sooner I will able to move on. So my father (a recovering alcoholic of 20 plus years?) of whom I had a lot in common with because I could talk recovery with him has hurt me too for the last time…. Over the last couple of years I have seen him change and treat me ways that I’d rather not be treated by a person. Always focusing and putting all his energy into the child that has it the toughest rather then praising the one that is doing well. And of course I have been doing very well these past few years so our conversations have become far and few between. Which is fine less opportunity for me to get hurt. So he recently called me I’d say about 3 weeks ago. Asking me to lend him $200.00. Sure I had it and reluctantly agreed to give it to him. He asked for my bank information and I told him that I will send it to him in an e-mail. His words were “Brandi please say you will help me, I don’t or can’t ask anyone else to help me”. So you knew right then I had no choice to say ok. Well as soon as I got off the phone I called my partner (boyfriend) and told him what had just happened. I told him that my dad has barrowed money from me in the past and hasn’t paid me back and I really don’t want to give him the money. Not only that he has heard some of the horror stories of how my family treats me including my father. My boyfriend said than don’t give him the money, blame it on me. I never did e-mail my dad that information nor did I get a call back from him. Well no more than 2 weeks later it’s my birthday. I get a card in the mail from his wife stating Have a great birthday love Tina… That was very kind of her. I guess he felt I wasn’t worthy of his friendship or love which is why he didn’t sign it. He didn’t call me for my birthday or nothing. This was on the 2nd of March. Every year I would get at least a call and this year marked a new beginning without him. This is fine. Last year I vowed to let go of all the friends that were holding me back and hurting me and this year I will be doing the same with family. I am so over my family hurting me and using me. Since when does a daughter deserve that kind of treatment. Coming from a man who is in recovery!!! Yea what great recovery. Well dad good luck with that. Here are some words of recovery for you…. I love you so much that I must love you from a distance and I am now letting you go from my life so that I can have a better one. There now the pain has become greater than the fear of change.
You Let Me Down……
Again it happened. My poor brother… He is 25 and in September was diagnosed with testicular cancer. They removed one testical and was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He was homeless at the time living on the streets in Texas. I remember him callng me asking him to order him a pizza on more than one occasion and I did. I felt so bad for my brother. Then when I heard about the cancer I knew there had to be something I could do for him. He called me and told me that the cancer has spread to his liver, lungs, intestines, everywhere in the chest. I was heartbroken for my brother. He had no ID, no birth certificate, no social security card, nothing. That didn’t top me. I immediately booked a flight for him to come to San Diego. I explained that he just had an operation and had nothing for identity. Everyone said it was impossible there was no way he was going to be able to get on the plane. I said watch. The next day he was with me. I felt so sad for my brother. He was thin and pale and so sad looking. Dirty clothes in a backpack and all. He was in a lot of pain and worried about getting to a doctor to get chemo therapy. He was told that was the only thing that would save him. I risked losing my house having him live here with me, I bought him clothes, whatever is heart desired for food I did my best to get it for him. My only requests were no drinking and no drugs!!! I sent away for his ID, i drove to Los Angeles to get his birth certificate, I went to the social security office to get his card. I am a single mother mind you making less than $12.00 an hour raising 3 kids. I took so much time off of work doing all of this. Finally he got really sick the pain was too much he ran out of morphin and we had no choice but to go to the ER… He was admitted right away and kept for 2 weekes. The first week I was there every single day. As if he was my child. Neglecting my kids and putting up with the pressures of lack of attendance at work and the financial struggles I was starting to have. I didn’t care all I knew is that I had to be there for my brother. Sure other relatives came to visit 1 time and left some words of encouragement, but I was there for the long haul. The doctors decided to do chemo. From the moment he was admitted to the time he left I journaled all the meds he was given, what time, what dosage, what it was for I knew what he was getting and when before the nurses did and trust me I was there calling the nurse when he was due. I stayed a full week in the hospital with him when they started chemo. No pay from work and totally neglected my kids. Really sacrificed a lot. My brother pulled through. The chemo really helped. It was just the start but he felt so much better. When he was released again I was the one at home, giving him his meds and cooking for him. I did everything I possibly could for him. I even started smoking I got so stressed. For about a month I was losing it. Then I bought him a computer, not to mention clothes, hygeine products, ect…. Well I came home one day in January 2010 and noticed he wasn’t acting normal. Noticed money was missing and he had been drinking. At this point he was abusing his meds too. We had a couple of serious fights because of his lack of concern or respect for my home and children. So we were already edgy. The alcohol set me off. It will kill him!!! I lost it and knew at that point that I had to let him go. I was saved my housing situation changed and I was informed of inspections. I had to ask him to leave. By this point he had medical insurance and his health was much better. He has now moved into a home where they house people who are ill. His insurance pays for it. This is great. It was really hard to watch him go. I had to do what I had to do. So now I visit him and help him out when I can. He misses us and we miss him. Well I have seen him a few times under the influence and that hurts. He just doesn’t get it. Well this past weekend he came over to help us with the website and he was to bring the laptop I bought him. When he came over he had 2 black eyes and his face was swollen. He is getting sicker. He is in pain again. He isn’t taking care of himself and drinking. He’s dying. He’s giving up. 
All the work, and sweat, and tears I put into him. It is so sad. So he comes over to work on the website and to make a long story short I find out that the computer I spent hundreds of dollars on is in the pawn shop for $20.00. The straw that broke the camels back…… He let me down…..
I’m gettin real now…..
Of Course I have always been real in my blogs, but today I am going to get a little deeper on ya. So I have to say that I am very proud of myself. Today was day 1 of not argueing or questioning or doubting my wonderful man. Of course I screwed up. I have been working on this desperately. And have been getting better. Really I have. Before, I would get upset and stressed about every little thing. Now it’s just 1 thing a day. Now that to me is progress. I am very happy about the fact that I am not as stressed and worried about every little thing. For instince, and this was my first true test of willpower, yesterday as I was getting ready for work my car alarm went off. I was like what the heck? I run outside and see my neighbor pulling away from my car. Yup she hit it. I was so calm and cool about it that I surprised myself. So that was nice. Well then later after work something set me off and the night turned out bad. I ended up going to bed sad and having a nightmare. It was so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. That was ok though. When I got up this morning I felt better, and off to workie I went. Well what a great day at work. Mr Wonderful sent me the nicest text message in the world I loved it. Then at about 4:51 pm it happened. I got a little bit concerned about something I saw and made the evil mistake of letting the better half of myself go into the dark side of my mind. This was not good. What happened after that is what makes this not the first day that I had without a frustration. I have faith though. Even though I feel a little bit down about making tomorrow the first day I still have faith that nothing will get cluttered in my thoughts to make it otherwise. Oh and by the way I know you guys are reading this so feel free to comment on anything at anytime.
New Friends???
Well I have been informed that I need to make new friends… Considering I really don’t have any I figure sure why not… It is very hard for me though. I know that sounds so horrible but it is. I have been hurt. Alot… And for some reason I have a hard time forgiving and hold it against my new friends and lovers. I know that sounds really bad. My boyfriend and I are really working on this. I am so fortunate that he is willing to stand by me and help me through all of this. Thank you sweetie. I have posted a few ads on a website looking to meet a genuine person. Someone like me. Someone who is kind, considerate, caring, compassionate, and loves to help people. Someone who has had it tough and also has a hard time believing in someone. I think I made have found her. I am really excited to get to know her better and meet her. She is a single mom like me and has some personal struggles from her past that still creep up on her. I am very anxious about this. I am looking forward to being a good friend and looking forward to be able to trust another woman. I mean shit we are all worth a chance right? I know she will be satisfied with my friendship. I am a good person. I’m not even going to worry about what may go wrong or what may happen. I will just have faith and believe that this is good and I deserve to be a friend and another deserves to be a friend of mine.
Father Daughter?????
Awww my 9 year old daughter calls me yesterday and tells me about this field trip that she is going on this Thursday. I’m like aww honey that sounds like so much fun. Then about 5 minutes after I get off the phone with her my boyfriend calls me and tells me about this exciting field trip my daughter is going on this Thursday and how she invited him to go with. Did I miss something? LOL I thouhgt that was the cutest thing in the world. She actually invited him and I don’t even think he realizes what this means to me. How funny is that. I know that is a really good sign. I am the luckiest lady in the world. So you want to hear something else that made sunfried jello in my chest? Well I was just sitting here in my office and here come the troops (my boyfriend and daughter). I listen to him having a conversatioon with his client to reschedule an appointment for this Thursday because, (his words) he is going on a field trip with his step-daughter. After he confirmed with the child that he will be attending the field trip with her she began jumping and had the biggest smile in the world. This is really nice. I don’t think he realizes what a big deal this is. Not so much because he is going on a field trip with her more so because he wants to go with her. The last time this little girl saw her father was about 3 years ago and let me tell you that it wasn’t the nicest little visit. It was 4th of July and we ran into him and his new spawn… This child went up to him and gave him a hug and he totally rejected her by pushing her away and telling her that he doesn’t know this child and has no type of family with her. As the child was standing there crying his cold hearted girlfriend stared and grinned at the abuse this little girl had to endure. This is why when my boyfriend said that he will be there for her she was so happy. She finally has a good man that cares for her to protect her to stand up for her in her life. She has got to be feeling like a million bucks right now. He is a great father to all 3 of my kids. Actually all 3 of our kids. Things I need to change… The way I take ownership over things. It has been my house, my car, my money, my kids, my this, my that for so long that I forget that I have a partner now. He is the greatest guy ever. I am not too sure how this all happened I wil say that I am happy it did.
There’s no place like home……
You know I always used to think of the Wizard of Oz whenever I heard that phrase. Now I feel and live that phrase. You know when the clock hits 5 pm and it’s time to leave work and transition back into the real world of life. When you become a lover and a mother… I love having a place to call home and a wonderful family to share it with. Before this past month I just had a place to live. Now I have a home. My boyfriend and I have done a lot of rearranging of the house and it is so different. I was just telling him tonight that I feel he has come into my world and stirred everything up. Not in a bad way in a very good way. Which brings me to a much deeper thought. I have learned that I have a lot of issues with trusting men . These past few weeks Iv’e noticed it really bad. Most recently though have been bad. So I have been seeking advice from a therepist. I talk to him everyday. He helps me with everything. It is weird how I can trust him but not my lover. And it isn’t that I don’t trust my lover it’s that I have been hurt so bad in the past. That I have a hard time believing someone really does love me. Poor boyfriend has to put up with it. He is taking it very well of course. He’s such a good man. I am the one with all the problems. So my therepist has suggested some great things for me to start doing to help me love and trust my wonderful partner. I am very excited. I am also very fortunate to be blessed with such a great person to be so understanding of me and to stick with me through it all. It is relieving and nice to know that he will be there. Believing it on the other hand is a little tricky for me. I wouldn’t put up with it. I can hardly stand myself when I get the way I get. Darn pain of the past. It is really rooted deep inside of me. Have you ever had this problem? Have you ever had a hard time letting go? It isn’t a particular person or place or thing. It’s more like a repeated event that took place over and over and over again by different men. Over the years that really takes a toll on a person you know? So please if anyone can share with me on their experiences with trust and love and the past feel free to comment on my post. I could really appreciate the advice. Thanks…
Men!!!
Ok so I have to get this out. I am in a crazy relationship right now. Have you ever known what it was like to be in LOVE? I thought I did. Now I know that I knew nothing of the sort. I do not know how to explain my current relationship. It is the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I can not get enough of this person. All day I think about the things I am going to do with him, then when I’m with him I feel like nothing else in the word matters. It is truely amazing. I don’t even know if I am able to call it love. It is so much more. He shares a lot of the same interests as me, he wants the same things that I want. He is totally encouraging me to follow my passions and go with my dreams. When I am with him him my heart feels so warm and good. I know these thoughts are all so loose and random…. I just have a very hard time thinking straight when I am with him. There are a few people in this world that have felt this way for another and I am proud to be one of them. I feel like I am the luckiest girl alive.
Fun at the Park… Family Date……
So yesterday my wonderful guy suggested we take lunch together. I’m like cool hot lunh date. Luv it. He suggests we go on a picnic in the park. So I get home my prince charming has lunch all packed, we pick up the kids, go to the park and have ourselves a cute little picnic. Awwww…. Oh it gets better. As my prince pulls out the lunches I notice he took time to put names on the bags. How sweet is that? What did my bag say? Of course it said “I love Mommy” Is this for realz? After we eat he decides to let the kids run off some energy and plays hide and seek. Of course I got talked into playing. So off goes the heels and there goes mommy in the sand. Than all of the sudden I am being chased, by the one and only throughout the park. Then it was my turn to catch everyone. What fun in the sun. We did this for at least an hour and I swear It seemed like days. LOL We fed the pigeons and talked for a little bit. It is so funny how we mesh together so well as a family unit. It’s like he has been here but hasn’t been . How funny.
Fun Times…..
Going out to a Comedy Show tonight. WooHoo…. Gonna invite a group of my friends and a few of his. Good times they are ahead. Now we are mixing our friends and starting new friendships together. Just like the last box of kitchen stuff we unpacked today. I said “Babe, Your pots and my pots have just mated and made babies LOL…” In other words we have way too many pots and pans for a family of 5. That goes with the towels, blankets, and pillows too. LOL…. Really excited about hanging out with the adults tonight. Looking forward to spending some goods times with my great guy. If anyone is ever interested in going to a comedy show hit me up. I have the hook up on the tix….
